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Video Reflection on Dying #9--A CLEARER VIEW ON THE PHYSICAL AND EMOTIONAL EFFECTS OF ALS
Claude LeBlanc NOTE: I'm writing these reflections on the lessens learned during my life as I face death due to ALS at the request of my children, but I thought there might be something for others to benefit from. My hope is that you will be blessed by the blessings of my life.
VIDEO TRANSCRIPT
I’ll resume “Looking Back on my Life” in the next reflection, but first, I want to share an experience I had this past weekend. 10 months ago, I was the retreat master for the 2nd year Confirmation candidates of my parish, held in Avalon on Catalina Island. According to the Director of Religious Education, it was well received by the youth and the team, so I was invited to lead this year’s retreat. I accepted, but by last August it became clear that I wouldn’t be able to do so because of ALS.
I was disappointed, but as this year’s retreat approached I still hoped to go. As an answer to prayer, just one day before the retreat I was invited to attend as a “prayer warrior” and I joyfully agreed. When I arrived, I was warmly greeted by the team, but while there, I was able to clearly see the physical and emotional effect ALS has had on me during that time. I went from retreat master to observer; from coordinating everything to not being able to help physically and barely communicating.
I began the day in the hall as an observer of the team and candidates, but soon realized that my time would be better spent in prayer, so I stayed most of the day alone in the courtyard and the church. Sometime during the day, my wife texted asking how I was doing, and I replied, “Being here makes me realize how much has changed in these 10 months. It’s easier to sit still with God, but since most people can’t understand me, they don’t try. I think it’s awkward for them. It’s a little isolating, but I’m going to have to get used to it.”
Last summer, when I shared the diagnosis with my spiritual director, he said, “If you had to have a disease, ALS is the perfect one.” I was surprised at the time, but this past weekend, I finally understood and accepted what he had said. I’ve been longing for a deeper and lasting union with God in a way I’ve only previously glimpsed. No matter how constrained my communication will be with others, there’s nothing keeping me from communing with God. He’s given me what I’ve asked for; now, the choice is mine.
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