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Video Reflection on Dying #15-Looking Back on My Life, pt 8: TRYING TO COPE WITH THE REALITY OF LIFE
Claude LeBlanc NOTE: I'm writing these reflections on the lessens learned during my life as I face death due to ALS at the request of my children, but I thought there might be something for others to benefit from. My hope is that you will be blessed by the blessings of my life.
VIDEO TRANSCRIPT
In my 11th reflection, I mentioned that it was “expected” that I would become a priest, especially by my mother, and also that I didn’t feel that my emergent sexuality could be expressed in a healthy and appropriate way in my family dynamic.
You can imagine how an adolescent boy would compensate to try to cope with this conundrum. While I became more and more isolated, especially from girls, I did manage to go on one date while a senior in high school, taking an elementary school classmate to a dance, but in secret from my mother.
It took me many decades to understand and address the wounds that were underneath that compensation. The shame that accompanied it proved to be a difficult shell to crack. Honestly, it has only been since being diagnosed with ALS that I can say I have fully accepted the Lord’s mercy and healing, the shame has disappeared, and the wounds completely healed. It may be that ALS will be the greatest blessing of my life!
I’d like to share an experience I had during the summer of 1977 that may shed light on my inner world. The movie “Grease” was being filmed at the local public high school, and I was curious. There were many people there and I wasn’t noticed, so I went into the gym where they were filming the dance sequences. I ended up going every weekday for over a month, meeting John Travolta and other celebrities. I discovered there was so much more to life, good and bad, than I had imagined. To this day I’m grateful for that awakening.
That this experience happened right before I entered the seminary is significant. The way I was raised, while with loving intent, was stunting. What I thought was “typical” proved to be anything but. I was excited to see what else life had to offer. Now, I can only imagine what my parent’s experiences of growing up were. One of the things I look forward to is being able to freely talk to my dad about his childhood wounds and the shame he lived with. It will be an enlightening conversation!
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